College friendships often develop in a high-pressure environment. Between heightened levels of academic stress, new social dynamics and many time-consuming commitments, college friendships can introduce challenges that weren't a concern in high school. These challenges can feel overwhelming and incredibly difficult to confront, and they can happen between newly-made friends, a roommate, a long-time friend or in any support system, really. This is why it is important that we do not view conflict as a failure but as a normal and meaningful part of creating lasting, meaningful relationships. This article will detail some of the best tips for students to handle conflict in their friendships at Colgate.
Tip 1: Pause Before Reacting
Whenever conflict arises, our first instinct is to respond with our immediate feelings. Perhaps that takes the form of anger, self-defense or being overly apologetic. These are feelings that we should take time to process, and we should resist the urge to attempt and communicate them over text. When you are lost in a swirl of emotions, try to put a name to what you are feeling: are you hurt, embarrassed, or misunderstood? Not only does putting a name to your emotion help you to better communicate it, it also gives you a course of action for addressing the feeling itself. This is what is generally meant by the term "emotional intelligence." Reacting too quickly can escalate the issue; if you respond thoughtfully and intelligently, it demonstrates a willingness to resolve the issue.
Tip 2: Communicate Honestly, But Not Aggressively
Remember, a crucial part of communication is saying how you feel. We should always try to be authentic when possible, but it is often best to steer away from being accusatory or inflammatory. As a general measure, psychologists recommend using "I" statements (e.g,. "I feel upset when this thing happens") rather than using "you" statements (e.g., "you always make me upset when you do this thing"). By drawing attention to how you feel in the moment rather than how someone else has accosted you, you allow that other person to recognize your discomfort without feeling the need to react defensively.
Tip 3: Express Your Willingness to Listen
One of the most overlooked parts of conflict resolution is a willingness to sit back and listen to the other person. We are quick to focus on what we want to say, and how we should respond, but we need to first fully understand what we are responding to. One of the predominant models within the counseling space that encourages active listening is represented by the acronym "SOLER":
S: Sit squarely opposite the other person.
O: Open posture while listening.
L: Leaning forwards to demonstrate engagement.
E: Eye contact while being spoken to.
R: Relaxed body language lets the other person know that you are in no rush to leave.
Tip 4: Recognize When You Need Space
Conflict between friends can be emotionally taxing, and when you sit down with a friend to have a heart-to-heart, things may be said that surprise you. Perhaps it is not a conflict that is meant to be resolved in a single session or in a single moment. By allowing yourself the agency to step back from a conversation respectfully, to cool off, to reflect and approach the situation with a fresh mindset, you are also allowing the relationship a better opportunity to mend. In fact, staying in an uncomfortable situation might escalate the tension. The Gottman Institute recommends a stress-free conversation model, since heightened stress can make it more difficult to communicate effectively.
Tip 5: Connect With Colgate's Resources!
When friendship conflicts feel beyond your control, or even beyond your qualifications to deal with, there are plenty of resources at Colgate to assist you. Counseling and Psychological Services at Conant House in particular offers services such as individual and group therapy, which are useful for interpersonal conflict on campus. You can attend walk-in hours (Monday-Friday from 9 a.m.-noon and 1:30-4:30 p.m), and you are at liberty to schedule follow-ups or request a specific counselor going forward. All of their services are detailed here.
Additionally, the forthcoming Peer Support Program at the Shaw Wellness Institute is a great resource for those who might find it helpful to speak to fellow students about their relationships. While the program starts up, a helpful peer-to-peer guide can be found here. Many of these same resources will be relayed during in-person sessions and are an invaluable resource for students.
Conclusion
Interpersonal conflict can be difficult to manage, especially in a college setting where we are all finding our footing. Using the tips in this article–and the array of resources available at Colgate–I hope that this blogpost can provide some scaffolding for building and maintaining healthy relationships.